Life Changing Times

The term ‘lost’ when referring to death, limbs, body parts (boobs, in my case) and so on has always left me bewildered.

‘I’m so sorry you lost your breasts, Sonia’. Losing them would have been extraordinarily careless. They likely won’t turn up behind the sofa at some point…. It literally makes me laugh – dark humour, granted, but then, most of my humour is on the darker side. I do have to bite my tongue when people use the term in general, like ‘I lost my husband’ – it’s SO hard not to say one of the above retorts.

Why am I waffling on about this? Because I’ve been thinking a lot about loss, as opposed to lost, recently. I frequently get lost since I have no sense of direction and can’t find my way to the bathroom half the time.

And I realised that I have no fear about loss, at all. Grief, absolutely. Depths of melancholy that can and do get triggered by the smallest things – a song, a photo. But fear, no.

The loss of that fear was a life changing time. Perhaps even moment, I’m not sure. I realised in my late 30’s that I needed to cut all ties with my mother, and sadly my brother and his family as well. I had spent my entire life, not unreasonably, desperate to be loved. Instead I was abused and that warps pretty much everything and everyone around it.

Another expression that drives me up the wall is ‘they couldn’t love you the way you needed to be loved’. Oh fuck right off. Really. I hear that used for adults when they are struggling with all different levels of childhood neglect, abuse and whatever else. And what? Is that meant to make people feel better? If anything, it reinforces what pretty much all kids who grew up in dysfunction believe – that they are not loveable or worthy of love. I say this in the context of my family of origin – there was a sort of love. But deeply, deeply inadequate and very much not what any child, or adult, needed.

So I remember that part inside of me unalterably changing – that’s the life changing moment. I was courageous enough to say no, I’m not hanging on for this because I’m so scared to have no family anymore. I was fucking terrified, and heartbroken, but to use the cliche, I did it anyway. Something inside snapped, I felt it when it happened. But since then I have no fear of any loss.

Today everyone in my life is here because I have chosen them. There is literally nobody who I do not deeply care about, whose presence enhances my life and I hope the same in reverse. I have left partners and husbands with nothing but a child (or two) on my hip, plastic bag in my hand. I have ended unhealthy friendships and connections. I don’t suffer fools. I am ridiculously honest and as anyone who knows me for five minutes realises – ‘fuck off/it/you/this’ rolls off my tongue frequently and comes from the heart :).

It’s an incredible freedom. Hard won, but then, fuck it.