Life Changing Times

I’m going to be on Channel 4 tonight at 8pm. Topless, proud, vulnerable, kicking ass. (And shiny faced)

It’s 6.28am and the image was taken just now – I couldn’t feel more removed from the U.K. if I tried – it’s a very, very surreal feeling. I mean, I’m obviously far removed from the U.K., but I mean in terms of the show tonight.

I’m on a team building retreat with a team who don’t really want to build at all and who certainly don’t want any boats rocked. I would like to do both.

And I’m quite stressed by that – feeling a little isolated, vulnerable, again being the lone voice speaking out and feeling the anger from others when I name and reflect the truth.

Which makes me sound like some crusader. I really am not, but I do real and I do honest – I do not do let’s pretend nor head in sand hiding

So running around on national television in my knickers is not stressing me, speaking out here is. There is no comparison in terms of reach and scale, it makes absolutely no sense and yet sums up a part of me perfectly.

Because the TV show tonight was huge for me – I imagine for all of us who appeared on the show. And it was for a purpose, to carry a message of power to women who have survived breast cancer. I challenged myself to get over my vulnerability because that message is far more important than just me.

Therefore I grew, I tapped into everything I have and know, I went out fighting, so to speak, and bloody hell, was I going to shine. Literally as it turns out. If I’m going to strip on television, then I will drum up every hidden pocket of strength to carry it off.

And the me who is here is right now, feeling exposed and vulnerable (with all my clothes on, I hasten to add) is also me. It makes no sense at all.

I think I need to bring the two parts together. I’ll suggest we put the show up on the projector so we can all watch it as part of the team building. No, I won’t, but thinking if it makes me laugh as they are very, very religious and conservative and imagining their faces is hilarious.

That is the thought and image I will carry for the day, and tonight I will hope my VPN and internet holds out so I can watch the show as it airs. And let myself feel a little proud that I dared do it, and did it with all I had in me.