Life Changing Times

I’m apparently also at the age where memes and stuff like this seems to consume large parts of my waking hours.

This absolutely sums up exactly what I’ve been thinking and feeling for the past weeks. Especially since I’ve been writing my book.

I’m nearly done with the first (really) rough draft, and going through my entire life this way is one hell of a rollercoaster. Not as much as living it has been…but still

While my tolerance for bullshit has never been high, I really have reached zero for tolerance around lack of self awareness. It’s a huge part of my book, stemming from my early life, about how much I both prioritise self awareness myself and how much I value it in others

Yes, I make mistakes, we all do. But I’m just not interested anymore when people are continually making choices that are bad for them. Or those around them. Because there comes a time when you just have to get over that shit, where excuses don’t work anymore

Weirdly, I have always been over indulgent of this in others in some ways, most likely because of my own set of decades long destructive behaviours. Except I missed crediting myself with how many huge and painful changes I made to stop them.

And in writing the book I can see them a lot more clearly now. I think I have just got on with them, moved on to the next challenge and kept on going.

Take relationships, husbands…and all that. For a whole host of reasons (which the book goes into far more detail about) I have not made good choices when it’s come to life partners. Not a strength of mine. So 15 years ago I stopped trying – consciously and deliberately, knowing that while I had done enormous amounts of work on myself, this one was likely to remain a black hole and that was OK.

The exception was the relationship I had with a lunatic when I had cancer 8 years ago. He was also an intensive care nurse. Things don’t get much more traumatic than cancer, so I reverted back to old habits – except, the nursing/nurturing part really did make a big difference. When he was able to hold it.

My point is that I have stopped that behaviour, for a very long time. Because there’s little worse that a woman in her 40’s or 50’s pining over yet another emotionally fucked up man.

You hit a point where all that shit, whether it’s men, toxic behaviours or work environments, self flagellation etc just has to stop. Where if you are caught in any of it, you realise it’s utter bullshit and you have to move on, deal with it.

It doesn’t mean your life is living on a cloud and perfect – it means you’re aware of what is going on and you make choices to change. It means you are not pretending or hiding, acting like it’s not happening. You own it, and change it when you can.

I only recently left a deeply toxic job, yet another one, but used it to work out why I kept repeating these patterns and also, quite frankly, stayed with it to get my children the schooling they desperately needed. But there was no way I was going to stay for life – I was fully aware of the toxicity, had an amazing team I worked with, and used it as long as I needed to be able to find other, healthier solutions.

Which means I’m now unemployed 😂. And writing a book. And fucking loving it. Actually, I’m exaggerating for effect – I am freelancing with work and realising how much value I can offer this way. The years of experience can be used positively, I don’t have to work around the clock anymore to prove my value, I can do it in healthier and more productive ways

I’ve sacrificed job/financial security, home ownership and knowing what next (as much as any of us can) to do this, there is always a trade off. But I’ve done it consciously and I’ve empowered myself.

So yes, I don’t have time or energy for those who turn away, who live in the madness or toxicity and pretend it’s not happening or don’t hold themselves accountable. Because that’s not what I choose for myself.