Sucks. I am watching lots of nonsense, as I tend to do, and I keep seeing people who just let multiple sorts of rejections bounce off them. To be clear, I am talking fictional TV characters.
It doesn’t bounce off me. It lands, splats, flattens out, becomes absorbent, seeps to weird and wonderful places in my mind and heart and then takes up residence. I have to spend lots of time and energy to locate all the places it’s gone to, dislodge it, clear it away and take out a restraining order so that it doesn’t return.
And sadly, as with many restraining orders, the perpetrator finds a way around it. So we rinse and repeat over the years.
And really what the fuck? I’m 56 and in minutes I can be reduced to the insecure 12 year old that I once was. Full of fear, shame and smallness, for lack of a better term – I feel like I shrink and become invisible and insignificant.
In the last 10 hours I’ve been rejected twice – once by a friend for a party we were meant to go to and the second time for an overseas work stint. The latter didn’t really work for me at all timing wise, but that logic is irrelevant right now. Because 12 year olds don’t have the breadth of experience to apply logic.
Then comes the ‘fuck it, fuck them, fuck it all’ mentality. I become huge, so to speak – muster up my considerable mental and emotional energy to overcome it. To protect the 12 year old part, to be bigger and better than the the source of the rejection, to blast out all the remnants of it inside.
A little fucking extreme. And a lot exhausting. Shocking that I may be extreme, I know. Why can’t I be one of those people who just shrugs and carries right on? Who barely even notices and doesn’t get derailed, having to go through all of the above all the time? Well OK, I know the answer – where I come from, I may not be broken but there are the still the pretty deep cracks there. Easy to fall down one of them. And before they weren’t cracks, they were holes with bottomless pits and if I hadn’t used all my force of will and energy, I may never have come out of them.
Life Changing Times 