Life Changing Times

You choose. This is however #1

Let’s go with marriage. I loved the idea, I wanted it, I was going to create happy families….it was a BIG deal for me. Right up until the time I was actually married, both times. I have quipped before that I am great at the getting married bit, the after part, not so much.

I was that woman that men talk about, that Beyonce has sung about, that I now would far rather pretend I was not. The one who, contrary to so much else about me, believed somewhere deep down that 2.2 children and white picket fences were the answer to happiness. I got married in red in or around a YMCA in London, no end to my glamour and class, I got married in purple in a stunning Prague building.

Two men who couldn’t possibly be more different. One a soldier and a failed hit man – as a friend once said, in this case failure was actually success. The other a conventional, conservative, gentle man. And then there was the one who wouldn’t marry me, believing the best way to convey that news was via the travel agent who called to express their regret that we had cancelled our wedding abroad.

It took me all three of those to realise that the common denominator in it not working was me. The were all vastly different men, the circumstances were worlds apart, I was in many ways a different person each time. Except for that embarrassing, semi hidden deep rooted part of me; the one that craved the conventionality, the security, the ‘fix’ of marriage and perceived acceptance. It took 3 goes and copious amounts of therapy to finally hang up my wedding dresses.

Because in marriage, I suffocate. I slowly feel the life draining out of me, the restriction becomes all encompassing, the joy seeps out of me. Husband #1 actually felt the same way so we had a celebration break up dinner and clearly the one that got away felt it in advance. I don’t believe husband #2 was happy either, but then I am not sure what happy is for him. That one got to me – third time lucky my arse. Even my wonderful, wonderful therapist at the time of the last break up told me to just stop. People are quite shocked when I tell them her words which were along the lines of ‘don’t do it again. Just, no’ but she was absolutely right.